Frustrating

Even though I know that water retention (thanks to our friend, sodium) can pack on weight faster than gorging on a loaf of bread, it's still frustrating to stand on the scale a day after eating rather virtuously, minus a couple bowls of sodium-rich soup because I'm still not feeling well. Up goes the number on the scale by about a 1/2 pound. I know it's water, and I know I'll lose it as soon as I rid myself of the sodium buildup, but dang, it can still be so discouraging.

I've got this strange head cold that consists of a terribly sore throat, headache and sore sinuses, but no runny nose to speak of. I'm just tired, tired, tired. Thanks to my immunosuppressant, I get sick easily, I get sick hard, and I get sick long. Poor little Thor slept until 9:30 today (I finally woke him up) and I suspect he's coming down with what I have, too. Unlike me, however, I can fill myself up with Sudafed, NyQuil, whatever, and he's left with practically nothing save a few home remedies. In true Thor form, he is busy giggling to himself today (no one ever really knows what's so funny to him), rolling around with his toys and babbling away, so hopefully, he's just got a muted version of what I've got and is just tired, nothing more.

Last night, I had an epiphany moment with Lulu. I took her to swim class, and I was watching her prance around in her swimsuit, thinking, "Man, when did she get so chunky?" Enter Mommy Guilt. I started reviewing in my head what I feed her, dissecting every meal she has in the day, trying to find the culprit for why my little girl has a belly that rivals a 9-month-pregnant woman. Do I give her too much milk? Do I let her have too much candy? No, that can't be it - she rarely has candy, and she only drinks skim milk with meals. Do I give her too much bread? Too many chicken nuggets? Hell, this is a child who voluntarily will ask for a salad in lieu of pizza, eats fruit like it's going out of style, and is about one chicken nugget away from being a vegetarian. Then where did I go wrong with my child's diet? And how did I never notice it before now?

Then she went home, and long (and grotesque) story short: she was "backed up." One very messy 10 minutes later, she was a svelte gal again, with just an appropriate amount of adorably chubby toddler tummy, exactly what you'd expect to see on a child her age.

Now, see, my weight problems didn't begin until late elementary school or so. I was never big enough to be teased; not by a long shot. But my father was a doctor, and my mother a nurse, and obesity runs in my family. My parents never wanted me to be "one of them" and I remember nights of my mother (who was also a tad overweight back then) and I eating plain chicken and salads while my dad and brother chowed down on crusted chicken, noodles, and full-calorie sodas. I do not want my child to go through that. I do not want her to find herself dieting in fifth grade. I don't want her skinny, either, mind you. Right now, she is tall and extremely muscular. You look at her legs and you can see how strong she is. She's not a stick, and never will be. If she harnesses her body correctly, I suspect she'll be excellent at sports and will have a lean but built body. To me, that's the body to have. Not wispy, not rail-like, but strong, sturdy, lean, and able.

Of course, I could be projecting. Thanks to my RA, I will never be strong, sturdy, lean, and able. Okay, lean, perhaps, if I'm lucky. But when I'm thin, I have a boy's body, and it's not pretty. Just kind of curveless and flabby. But for my health, I need to be thinner.

Back to Lulu. And Thor, too, I suppose, but I see myself in Lulu so much since I already see her zest for the sense of taste. I love watching her eat - she eats with such gusto, and loves all the things I love, which includes healthy things as well. But I don't want her getting to the point where she automatically turns to food when she's sad, or frustrated, or angry, or even bored or happy. I know that emotional eating route. I've been there.

How do you teach your children to make the right decisions? How do you, when you fight your own issues with food, not even subconsciously pass the same issues to your children? I want her to be comfortable with her body, I want her to enjoy eating, but I don't want her to live to eat the way I've become. There's a fine line between living to eat and eating to live, and I want her to fall in that line. I can't understand people who eat to live, and I don't want to be like them. I want to enjoy eating, but I don't want to be preoccupied with it.

Healthy living becomes such a different story when you're not just looking after your own health, but your family's as well. My decisions become their decisions, and what she sees now will likely be what she learns is the norm. She's young, impressionable, and absorbs my behaviors like a sponge. When I eat a salad, she wants a salad, too. Fantastic! But if she sees me gorging on cookies? Of course, she's going want that, too. Therefore, my choices need to be just as much about my family as about me, because this is how my children will learn. These are the rules of eating they will acquire, and it's up to me (and my husband, too, of course) to instill them.

Now, to get Thor to eat more than just bananas and lima beans...