The Start of Summer

Five years ago today, I found out I was pregnant with what would become my first miscarriage. It was a turning point for me, a day that marks a suddenly more-grown-up me. We'd been trying to conceive, but seeing two pink lines had me gaping in disbelief, euphoria, anxiety, and fear. Was I ready? Was I grown up enough (heck, I was 29; I should have been grown up enough)? How was my life - no, our lives - going to change? I promised myself I had months to adjust and for now, I could just be happy. I was so, so happy. And something clicked in my brain that day, something that said, "It's not about you anymore." I gave myself to this little person growing inside me and all my behaviors, all my actions and thoughts went towards trying to figure out how to make the best life for him or her, and how to be the best mother. When I found out that the baby's heart had stopped, my world around me collapsed. I had, in just a couple months, created a new persona, a new image of myself that was dependent on the life in me, and to have it taken away left me feeling lost and literally empty. One thing that didn't change, however, was the vow to take better care of myself. To continue growing up so when the baby came along that would stick around (Lulu, as it turned out), I would be ready.

Related to this notion is the idea that before then, no diet I ever put myself on ever worked. Yes, it should be enough to diet for oneself. It *should* be. For me, it wasn't. I'm sorry. It's not that I don't respect myself or love myself or feel that I'm worth it. Sure, I do. But my body has failed me in numerous ways, and quite frankly, I'm angry with it. So, screw it, I'll be a little fatter. Who was I hurting? Only myself, and heck, I was already hurting, so what was a little more hurt on top of it?

The very idea of becoming a mother - even though it took over a year to get pregnant with Lulu, my first successful pregnancy - was enough to realize that the power was right in my hands, and I had a new reason to utilize that given power. I'm a changed person from the person I was in my 20's. That's why I believe that this time will be different, that I'll be able to get healthy and stay that way. Not entirely for me, but for them, too. All of them. Even the ones I lost.

My health has not been great lately, despite increasing the frequency of my meds. I'm back to being almost as bad as I was before. I'm taking Vicodin to take the edge off, but I hate how sleepy it makes me. Prednisone is still sitting on the shelf, unopened. I'm not that desperate yet, though maybe I should be.

I'll admit: I got depressed the other night, and I ate too much. I'm an emotional eater, always have been. The difference between now and then, however, is that before, I'd emotionally eat, feel guilt, and eat more out of guilt the next day and the day after. This time, I was able to just hop back on the train the next day, no real damage done. No sense beating myself up. In fact, if anything, I was able to give in to a couple cravings I'd been having, and now, those cravings are squashed and I'm left not feeling deprived.

This weekend, we did a family trip to Costco, which is always an exciting event in our household as Lulu and Thor love the samples, and Z and I just love getting out of the heat of summer. We picked up 4 pounds of luscious, huge strawberries and yesterday, I just plucked them in my mouth, one after another. It felt decadent and indulgent, but I could smirk at the same time, knowing that no harm was being done. Silly sweet tooth, so easily fooled by one of the most perfect fruits nature created.

Summer is heading toward us full force here, which brings along temptations of barbeques, summer holiday treats (4th of July, Memorial Day, etc.), but also the best crop of fruits, fresh herbs, vegetables, not to mention great grilling weather. Fortunately, Z is on board with my healthy eating, and the kids don't even know the difference, so we're enjoying pesto made from fresh basil, grilled chicken, fat berries, fresh zucchini, plump tomatoes, and steamed artichokes (by far one of my favorite treats). Temptations may abound that aren't healthy, but even more surrounds me that is seasonal, delicious, and good for my family and me. Summers in Arizona might be brutal but, hey, there are upsides to everything in life, even terrible events that happened years ago, for today, I have my Lulu, and I have my Thor, and I couldn't love or appreciate them more if I tried.

20 Pounds!

Woooot!

*And* I managed to resist Z's famous vanilla cinnamon French toast this morning. Somehow, seeing that number on the scale fall is as motivating as anything. Next goal: 30 pounds!